sinfullysweet29

I've found myself suffering from horrible writer's block ever since I added myself to this site. It's odd, because I love to write and I love to talk so one might think that this would be a great place for me to empty my brain. Whatever the reason for the block, the motivation I was searching for decided to come looking for me instead; so finally, here I am.

Life has gotten a bit topsy turvy lately. The diagnosis of breast cancer was unexpected to say the least. I don't really think there has been a point where I said "why me?" as much as I have said "Ummm.. hello?This wasn't supposed to happen to me!"

Please don't get me wrong here. I have no desire to sit and feel sorry for myself because I know that THAT is going to get me nowhere but wrapped up in a straitjacket. Having never worn one of those, I am thinking that it really isn't an accessory I am wanting to add to my wardrobe. Might not fit quite so well once the boob disappears anyway. Instead the emotions have more run the gamut of shock, disbelief, anger ,fear and believe it or not, thankfulness and gratitude.

Now if anyone had told me a few months ago that something like this would make me laugh and smile more, I would have offered them the straitjacket instead! Strangely enough, that is exactly what is going on. It isn't the diagnosis in itself though that is making me smile, I think it is the realization that I am surrounded by so many amazing people and how thankful I am to be alive.

I want to live. I don't mean simply exist in this body of mine. I want to live and I want to love and I want to enjoy all that life has to offer me. I want to wake up with a smile every day. I don't want to settle for less than I want or need ever again. I find myself wanting things I haven't wanted in such a long time; determined to reach and run towards these things rather than run from and hide as I have always done. Is this what happens when your own mortality smacks you in the face? I don't think it is a desire to make up for lost time nor do I think it is because I fear I may die from this. If I am afraid of anything, I am afraid that I may miss the moments that really matter if I don't get up off my hiney and start making decisions that are healthy for me and healthy for my children.

I don't believe in mistakes. I also don't believe in accidents. I believe that every event and every person that walks into our lives is there for a reason. I have always believed that, however, I have never believed it as strongly as I do now.

More to come...